Courage, Dear Heart

December has always been a really tough time of year for my family. For many people, December means Christmas - it means gathering with family and getting to spend time making memories.  For my family, it will forever be the month that our dad died.  December 17th, 2013, just 8 days before Christmas, we lost the man who’d supported us and led us through so much. This year, on the exact same day, we lost the woman who raised him, who loved him more deeply in a way none of us would ever be able to understand. This year, on the 17th, they finally  were reunited in Heaven with Jesus. And though it is a joyous celebration for them, those of us who loved them so dearly are stuck here grieving those losses...and somehow, the pain this year is so much more  raw and real .  I journal my prayers every morning, and this morning I started writing about my dad for the first time in years. I began journaling to God about how life would be if he was still here. O h, if he co...

Today, I am sharing my story of how I found my freedom song.  It’s a hard story, and one I’ve shared before, but for some reason the Holy Spirit asked me to share it again today. So...this is my story: When I was 18, I met a man. He was six years older than me, and if you’d asked me at the time, I’d tell you that he was the most amazing person to ever walk the earth. At least, he certainly thought so.  I didn’t understand love, even though my parents modeled it well. At 18, I was young and naive enough to believe that I knew better. I mean, how could I not be with him? He was an amazing 24-year-old with an impressive degree in theology and philosophy, and he clearly knew much more about God and love than I did. At least, he certainly thought so.  I didn’t see the warning signs - and even if I did, I didn’t know they were warning signs. Instead, I closed my eyes, and I jumped. I jumped headfirst into a relationship that would lay a foundation for the next six years of my...

When Jesus started his ministry, one of his greatest commandments came from the abolishment of the old covenant and the establishment of the new:  “You have heard it said, ‘You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I say to you, love your enemies, and pray for those who persecute you . For if you love those who love you, what reward do you have? Do not even the tax collectors do the same?” (Matthew 5:43-44, 46 NASB) Every time I read this passage, I feel a heaviness on my heart... Unforgiveness has had a grip on me for so long.  As crazy as it sounds, I actually have a “list of unforgiveness” in the back of my prayer journal. It’s a list of every person in my life, since I was a child, that I still haven’t forgiven. I wrote the list because I want to make a genuine change in my life, so every morning I pray for every single name on my list.  As I prayed over my list this morning, for half a second, I felt that as though it was too impossible. Those wounds we...

In another post of vulnerability, I’m going to start out by writing that I am so overwhelmed. A few weeks ago I had to come to grips with the fact that I have yet to heal from my PTSD, which has been rearing its ugly head. Through job losses, grief, mental illness, and physical sickness, it feels like Ethan and I have been wandering aimlessly with no way out.  The healing process on my part has been so incredibly painful. The mental anguish from coming to grips with the brutal abuse I have endured feels more than I can bear. I’ve walked in apathy and dissociation for so long that dealing with the core issues seems impossible. And here is what I have come to realize in all of this: The journey of healing is like being in a pit of broken glass.  Right now, I am sitting in that pit, and in honesty, I’ve been sitting here for years. I’ve been cut up, and I’ve been bleeding, but I don’t want to move. Unfortunately, moving is the only way I’m going to heal. I have to crawl my ...

For the last three years, October 1st has been one of the most important days of my year. October 1st is the day that I decided to end the cycle of abuse; and with the help, strength, and protection of God, it was done. Much has healed since then, but if I’m going to be honest, these last few months have been really difficult.  In total and naked authenticity... I still feel so ashamed .  I have convinced myself that I’ve healed from what happened, but there are many open wounds that have yet to close.  I’m not over it.  I  hate  writing that... But with vulnerability comes healing.  So, I’ll be vulnerable. I’ll tell you that I am hurting, and I am ashamed. I’ll tell you that I have talked to God about absolutely anything and everything...except this. I’ve forced myself to believe that if I never utter the words, then it never happened.  And so I’ve never found healing.  I couldn’t forget. It was always in the back of my head, influencing nea...

“Then Jesus got into the boat and His disciples followed Him. Suddenly, a furious storm came upon the lake, so that the waves swept over the boat. But Jesus was sleeping. The disciples went and woke Him, saying,  ‘Lord, save us! We are going to drown!’   He replied,  ‘You of little faith, why are you afraid?’   Then He got up and rebuked the winds and waves, and it was completely calm. The men were amazed and asked,  ‘What kind of man is this, that even the winds and waves obey Him? ’” (Matthew 8:23-27, NIV) When I read about the miracles of Jesus in the New Testament, I’m always partial to this one; it’s a reminder of the powerful God we serve. Even the winds and waves obey Him.  But lately...I’ve been one of those disciples.  If I’d been there on the boat that day, Jesus would have been speaking to me when He said, “You of little faith. Why are you afraid? ” As much as I hate to admit it, I can be so, so faithless.  I see and read about the mir...

I don’t know if there’s a biblical figure I relate to more than Peter. Peter was just a regular guy; a plain old fisherman called by Jesus to be one of His 12 disciples. In one of my favorite pieces of Scripture, Jesus asks the 12 who they believe He is; Peter confesses before them that Jesus is indeed the Christ and Son of God (Matthew 16:16). Jesus responds,  “Blessed are you, Simon son of Jonah, for this was not revealed to you by flesh and blood, but by My Father in heaven. And I tell you that you are Peter, and on this rock I will build My church, and the gates of Hell will not overcome it” (Matthew 16:17-18, NIV).  This is such an incredible revelation, but I’ve got to be honest...it’s not my favorite part. My favorite part comes directly after, when Jesus foretells of His crucifixion; that He must suffer and be killed, then be raised to life on the third day:  “Peter took Him aside and began to rebuke Him, ‘ Never, Lord! This shall never happen to You!’ Jesus turn...