Freedom Song

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Today, I am sharing my story of how I found my freedom song. 

It’s a hard story, and one I’ve shared before, but for some reason the Holy Spirit asked me to share it again today. So...this is my story:

When I was 18, I met a man. He was six years older than me, and if you’d asked me at the time, I’d tell you that he was the most amazing person to ever walk the earth. At least, he certainly thought so. 

I didn’t understand love, even though my parents modeled it well. At 18, I was young and naive enough to believe that I knew better. I mean, how could I not be with him? He was an amazing 24-year-old with an impressive degree in theology and philosophy, and he clearly knew much more about God and love than I did. At least, he certainly thought so. 

I didn’t see the warning signs - and even if I did, I didn’t know they were warning signs. Instead, I closed my eyes, and I jumped. I jumped headfirst into a relationship that would lay a foundation for the next six years of my life. I mean, he loved me, didn’t he? Why else would he say it, if he didn’t mean it? And so I fell for every line, every look, every touch, and every word. In my eyes, everything he did was so perfect, so “righteous.” At least, he certainly thought so. 

Little by little, I started believing that this was a guy who could do anything. I couldn’t believe that he was mine - how was I so lucky? Why would he choose me, out of everyone? He could have had any girl he wanted. At least, he certainly thought so. 

Little by little, I lost myself in a man who expressed his “love” in the most unGodly of ways. 

I was so captivated and brainwashed that I believed his justifications for everything he did. So when he started touching me when I didn’t want it, I believed him when he said it was okay. 
When he wouldn’t stop when I said “no,” I believed him when he said it was normal. 
When things started to hurt really bad, and when I cried for him to stop, I believed him when he said it was supposed to be that way. 
As he cut away my innocence - as he stole my body chunk by bloody chunk, I continued to swallow all of his lies. 

At 18, I didn’t understand how open I was to grooming. I didn’t know what “abuse” was.

When he’d used me up and discarded me, I blamed myself. I carried the pain with me through every single relationship that followed. When the next boyfriend started doing the same things, I’d remind myself of his words - that it was normal, that I wasn’t supposed to want it, that this was how God designed it, that it wasn’t abuse. And slowly, moment by moment, I grew to despise my entire existence. I grew to hate my body and the scars they put on it, to hate my personality and who God had created me to be, to hate my desire for independence and to have control over my own life...

Moment by moment, I grew to hate one of God’s most precious creations. 

It took intensive counseling to begin see it for what it was: brutal, sadistic abuse. Something I still struggle to understand, years later. 

These men stole every precious part of me. Three years out, I still lay awake most nights, unable to rid my head of their faces. Three years out, I can feel the physical pain of what they did to me - though now, they call it “PTSD.” 

Oh, but hallelujah, praise the One who set me free. Hallelujah, praise the One who has broken every chain. 

As I have begun to admit the brutality and pain of what happened to me, I’ve seen the beauty in these loosened chains. I’ve seen the beauty in what can come of a Godly relationship. I’ve seen the healing that my story has brought others. I’ve seen the beauty that God made out of these dark, dark ashes. 

I haven’t wanted to talk about any of this for a long time, because I’ve felt so locked up by shame. I’ve told myself that I need to be over it, and I’ve felt embarrassed that I am not. But now I see the truth: that shame is a prison. And I refuse to be imprisoned any longer. I will praise the One who set me free, the Love who is my Redeemer. My freedom song is found. 

I know many of you readers have experienced the pain of abuse. Please know: freedom is readily available for you. I’ve believed for so long that if I don’t talk about the truth of what happened, then the pain will disappear - but God tells us that it will be the truth that sets us free (John 8:32). And oh, praise God! For who the Son sets free is free indeed (John 8:36). 

If you are in this bondage, please reach out. Please know that though your suffering is great, there is nothing too great for God to heal. There is no chain He cannot loosen, no stronghold He cannot break. Let Him be your freedom song. 

Shame is a prison
It’s a cruel as a grave
Shame is a robber
And he’s come to take my name

Oh, love is my Redeemer
Lifting me up from the ground
Love is the Power
Where my freedom song is found. 



 

 

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