From Shame to Radiance

For the last three years, October 1st has been one of the most important days of my year. October 1st is the day that I decided to end the cycle of abuse; and with the help, strength, and protection of God, it was done. Much has healed since then, but if I’m going to be honest, these last few months have been really difficult. 

In total and naked authenticity...I still feel so ashamed. 

I have convinced myself that I’ve healed from what happened, but there are many open wounds that have yet to close. I’m not over it. I hate writing that...

But with vulnerability comes healing. 

So, I’ll be vulnerable. I’ll tell you that I am hurting, and I am ashamed. I’ll tell you that I have talked to God about absolutely anything and everything...except this. I’ve forced myself to believe that if I never utter the words, then it never happened. And so I’ve never found healing. I couldn’t forget. It was always in the back of my head, influencing nearly every thought I had and every action I made. 

When I decided this week to let those emotions in, I felt so much shame and grief. I was overwhelmed with everything I’d endured and lost during those years; but for the first time, I let my feelings drive me to God’s Word. I ended up in the Psalms to see what the authors had to say about those feelings. In Psalm 34, David wrote, 

“I sought the Lord, and He answered me; He delivered me from all my fears. Those who look to Him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame.” (Psalm 34:5, NIV)

This shame that has overwhelmed me was covered by the Cross. Because of the Cross, nothing that has ever happened to us, nothing that we have ever done, is ever grounds for shame or guilt. There is no wound too great for God to heal, and nothing too destroyed He cannot repair. We are not without hope; we are radiant in His sight. Once strangers, yet now a people of Christ’s possession - called out of this darkness and welcomed into His marvelous light. (1 Peter 2:9)

With vulnerability comes healing.  

Though I still struggle, I know that there is no mountain that God cannot throw into the sea, and there is no stronghold that He cannot break. So for every year to come, I will make an effort to be vulnerable so that healing can be done. 

Are you struggling, suffering? You are not alone, and you are not without hope. You are Christ’s workmanship (Ephesians 2:10), no longer condemned (Romans 8:1), and raised up with Christ, seated in the heavenly realms (Ephesians 2:6). You are never covered with shame. 

“But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation; God’s special possession that you may declare praises of Him who called you out of darkness and into His marvelous light.” (1 Peter 2:9, NIV) 

If you are currently in an abusive relationship, safely seek out and confide in a trusted friend. Please know you are worth so much more than what you are enduring. If you need someone to walk through this with you, please contact me by clicking the “About Me” section to your left.