Courage, Dear Heart

If the name of my blog isn’t an indication, The Chronicles of Narnia has a special place in my heart. I feel such a connection to the Spirit in these stories, even if they are fairytales for children. I’ve rarely needed that connection more than I have in these last two months. My illness continues to worsen, and so much remains unknown. The specialists I have seen yank me around with varying answers; and as grateful as I am for the abnormal test results, remaining positive feels impossible. I have done my best to stay hopeful, but laying in bed for over 14 hours with such severe vertigo that I am bent over a trashcan, unable to see, hearing near gone, violent ringing in my head that exacerbates the pain of the migraines accompanying my issues, being forced to rely on others to help me to the bathroom because I can’t walk and my eyes aren’t working as they should…hopelessness doesn’t feel strong enough of a word. I don’t know how to live like this forever. And I am terrified that this...

But what if it is? In the last two weeks as I’ve dealt with new health issues, including vestibular migraines that cause days of nonstop, unmanageable vertigo, vomiting, and pain at a time, I’ve felt my weakness more than ever.  The tears burn behind my eyes, but I know if I sob as I want, it’ll only cause more damage. I desperately crave the distractions of yoga, walks, and baking, yet I know they’ll do the same. I beg God to regift me the ability to walk without stumbling, my full hearing, and my balance, with no change.  If only the people who believe I am strong could see my hopelessness when none of my wishes come true, and when my prayers go unanswered. (Inhale) God is with me // (Exhale) I will not be afraid.  But what if I am?  (Inhale) The Lord is my Shepherd // (Exhale) I have all that I need. But what if I don’t?  (Inhale) God is faithful // (Exhale) This time will be no different.  But what if it is?  Yet I sit here this morning, writing, ...

Scripture says that Jesus can empathize with us in everything, because He suffered as we suffered - and I never feel it more than I do on Easter weekend . The betrayal He experienced at the hand of one of His closest friends, the physical, social, and emotional pain He endured on the Cross and road to Calvary, the denial coming from Him inmost circle, and the lack of His Father in His most needed time…I’m sure it comes off a bit sacrilegious, but I never feel closer to Jesus than I do during these three days. Over a decade ago, I sat at a table in a Christian institution that preached Godly values as they read off the verdict that labeled my abuser as innocent. As they, without saying it, labeled me as the liar , the guilty party.  Jesus looked down, watching as my best friends testified against me, picking the side of my abuser. My best friends, who’d once told me they believed me, and that they had been on my side.  Like Judas, handpicked as His disciple, sold Him out to t...

If you had rescued my soul from this harsh world, but had not provided answers for my illnesses,  Dayenu. It would have been enough for me.  If you had provided answers for my illnesses, but had not been with me in the midst of the abuse,  Dayenu. It would have been enough for me.  If you had been with me in the midst of the abuse, but had not provided a way out,  Dayenu. It would have been enough for me.  If you had provided a way out, but had not been within my spirit when dad died,  Dayenu. It would have been enough for me.  If you had been within my spirit when dad died, but had not given me a husband who treats me tenderly,  Dayenu. It would have been enough for me.  If you had given me a husband who treats me tenderly, but had not given us the perfect Church,  Dayenu. It would have been enough for me.  If you had given us the perfect Church, but had not seen us through dozens of impossible financial situations,  Daye...

A womb that will always be empty. A nest forever free of little hens.  I thought I was okay. I am okay, right?  Since having to make the decision, I’ve told myself so many things to make myself forget how painful this might be. I push, push, pushed it down, until I could pretend that it didn’t exist - the agony of knowing my womb will never grow a child full of both Ethan and I. I’d never know whose laugh that child would get, whose eyes, whose sense of humor. Whether he would have a strong personality like me or a gentle personality like Ethan. Whether she’d need braces, or get lucky like I did. Whether he’d be a ‘sports’ kid, or an ‘academic’ kid.  No matter the option, it wasn’t choice. I knew in my heart that regardless of so many mothering possibilities out there, my physical body is incapable of caring for a child from womb through adulthood.  I told myself it doesn’t matter, because I’d have been a shit mom anyways. I’d have little patience, I wouldn’t be lov...

God’s in it. God’s in the surgeries that go wrong. God’s in the offered hug from a “no-hugger” out of nowhere.  God’s in the seizures that haven’t happened in 3 years.  God’s in the friend who asks if she can pray for you. God’s in the overnight hospital stay you don’t know how you’ll afford.  God’s in the gift cards to help with groceries.  God’s in the pain that won’t go away.  God’s in the email to a worried mom, asking if an entire seminary community can pray for her daughter.  God’s in the strep that comes at the worst possible time. God’s in the joy that comes from gluten free pizza dough from a friend.  God’s in the disability hearing that seems like a total lost cause.  God’s in the Whisper that reminds you that He’s the God of lost causes.   God’s in the abuse that makes you lose hope in love. God’s in love of a husband who proves it still exists.   God’s in the fertility news that breaks your heart more than you admit.  G...