Broken Glass

In another post of vulnerability, I’m going to start out by writing that I am so overwhelmed. A few weeks ago I had to come to grips with the fact that I have yet to heal from my PTSD, which has been rearing its ugly head. Through job losses, grief, mental illness, and physical sickness, it feels like Ethan and I have been wandering aimlessly with no way out. 

The healing process on my part has been so incredibly painful. The mental anguish from coming to grips with the brutal abuse I have endured feels more than I can bear. I’ve walked in apathy and dissociation for so long that dealing with the core issues seems impossible.

And here is what I have come to realize in all of this:

The journey of healing is like being in a pit of broken glass. 

Right now, I am sitting in that pit, and in honesty, I’ve been sitting here for years. I’ve been cut up, and I’ve been bleeding, but I don’t want to move. Unfortunately, moving is the only way I’m going to heal.

I have to crawl my way through this pit, and it’s going to be so painful. When I get up, that glass will dig deeper, and I’ll bleed even more. The pain will be nearly unbearable, but eventually I’m going to make it out of the pit. But then I’m going to have to get out and walk, and when I do get out, I’ll have to pull out all of the pieces of broken glass. I’ll have to walk and stumble as those cuts begin to heal. I’ll have the scars from being in the pit for the rest of my life, but someday they won’t hurt. They’ll just serve as a reminder for where I have been. 

Yet the brutal and naked truth is that I don’t want to get out and walk. 

See, if I sit here, it won’t hurt so bad. I’ll still bleed, and I’ll still have the cuts, but the pain will be dulled compared to crawling. I’ll never heal, but it won’t hurt so much. It’ll be so much easier to bear. I don’t want to get out and walk. 

My internal battle reminds me of a story from the book of Acts in the Bible. While Peter and John (two of Jesus’s disciples) are ministering, they come across a man who had been paralyzed since birth. Peter tells the man to look at them, and the man looks up expecting money. This is the interchange: 

Then Peter said, “Silver or gold I do not have, but what I do have, I give you. In the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, walk.” Taking him by the right hand, he helped him up, and instantly the man’s feet became strong. He jumped to his feet and began to walk. Then he went with them into the temple courts, walking and jumping, and praising God.” (Acts 3:1-8, NIV). 

God doesn’t want me to sit in this pit of broken glass. God doesn’t want me to take the easy solutions, like the expectations of silver or gold. God wants me to take His hand, jump up, and walk. God’s plan for my life includes the healing that I’ve feared will never come. 

It’s not easy, but I’m going resolve myself to crawl through this pit. I’m going to hold onto God’s right hand, just as the lame beggar held on to Peter’s. I’m going to let Him walk me through this, instead of sitting in my pain. I know that the healing I desire is waiting for me on the other side, so I will be brave. 

Are you sitting in a pit of broken glass? Healing is waiting for you. Don’t just settle for the silver and gold, as I did for too long. Don’t keep waiting for the easy solutions, as I did for so many years. Reach out and take the hand that is waiting for you. God will carry you through.