It Is (Not) Well

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​It is not well with my soul. Not this morning. This morning, my soul is so tired. My soul is lost and exhausted and an empty well. Perhaps my Father has a well that does not run dry, but the water in mine is gone. 

Evaporated. 

Dissipated without a care of leaving my spirit to die. 

“The waves and wind still know His name.” But does He remember mine? Does He remember me? 

Or am I left pounding on Heaven’s door, screaming until my voice runs out?

How am I worth anything when I bring nothing to the table? In a Nation where overworking is the ideal, the proof of a life well-lived, then is my life even worth living? I want to work, to volunteer, to be a good friend. I want to be a sister who’s actually there for her siblings instead of hanging on by a thread. I want to be a wife who can provide something besides emotional support. Because what am I worth in a society where emotional support is a triviality? 

“My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” My Lord, my Lord, why have you let me suffer so deeply? 

This morning, I feel my own suffering heavier than I’ve felt in a while, and I can’t ignore it for the sake of favoring that of others, as I typically do. I cannot pretend. Instead, I ache as I look back on my life and see how it’s been laden with years of severe abuse, two decades of illnesses, grief from losing my dad, pain from betrayal of my closest friends who cost me my public reputation. I see the dozens of other big and little traumas that have compounded and become a weary, lost, exhausted soul. 

I don’t want to lose hope. I don’t want to be ungrateful to a God who’s given me so much when others have so little. But this morning, I’m tired…and I think that’s okay. I think He, who also suffered deeply, understands. 

“God, the Master, told the dry bones, ‘I’m bringing the breath of life to you…I’ll attach sinews to you and put meat on your bones, cover you with skin, and breathe life into you. You’ll come alive, and realize I am God!’” (Ezekiel 37:5-6, The Message Version).

Breathe life into my dry bones, Jesus. 


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