“God is faithful, this time will be no different.”

But what if it is?

In the last two weeks as I’ve dealt with new health issues, including vestibular migraines that cause days of nonstop, unmanageable vertigo, vomiting, and pain at a time, I’ve felt my weakness more than ever. 

The tears burn behind my eyes, but I know if I sob as I want, it’ll only cause more damage. I desperately crave the distractions of yoga, walks, and baking, yet I know they’ll do the same. I beg God to regift me the ability to walk without stumbling, my full hearing, and my balance, with no change. 

If only the people who believe I am strong could see my hopelessness when none of my wishes come true, and when my prayers go unanswered.

(Inhale) God is with me // (Exhale) I will not be afraid. 

But what if I am? 

(Inhale) The Lord is my Shepherd // (Exhale) I have all that I need.

But what if I don’t? 

(Inhale) God is faithful // (Exhale) This time will be no different. 

But what if it is? 

Yet I sit here this morning, writing, praying, simply breathing, and I slowly begin to believe that I don’t have to be strong. I can be weak, because even in the darkest of valleys, He is with me.

Though I may fear I cannot withstand more, the truth is I’ve been through this before, and I’ve endured despite it all. I’ve been through the not knowing, and the diagnoses that have no cure, and I have prevailed. Despite the paralyzing terror that this could be what breaks me, I know that if I got through it then, I can get through it now.

If He was faithful then, He will be faithful now. Full stop. No exceptions.

I don’t know what you’re going through. It may be similar, or it may be far worse. But I know that, at least for me, the reminder that I can turn these fears into unyielding truths of the Spirit gives me the peace I need to persist. 

God is with me, and I will not be afraid. 

No matter how sick I get, no matter how much the fear cripples, no matter how weak I feel or the financial cost or the emotional turmoil or the physical pain I experience, this time will be no different. No matter what comes - whether it be an end to the illnesses or a lifetime of them - I will breathe deeply and know that

“The Lord is my Shepherd; I will always have everything I need. He gives me green pastures to lie in. He leads me by calm pools of water. He restores my strength. He leads me on right paths to show that he is good. Even if I walk through a valley as dark as the grave, I will not be afraid of any danger, because he is with me. His rod and staff comfort me. He prepares a meal for me in front of my enemies. He welcomes me as an honored guest. My cup is full and spilling over. His goodness and mercy will be with me all my life, and I will live in the his house a long, long time” (Psalm 23, ERV, emphasis added).