Courage, Dear Heart

When Jesus started his ministry, one of his greatest commandments came from the abolishment of the old covenant and the establishment of the new:  “You have heard it said, ‘You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I say to you, love your enemies, and pray for those who persecute you . For if you love those who love you, what reward do you have? Do not even the tax collectors do the same?” (Matthew 5:43-44, 46 NASB) Every time I read this passage, I feel a heaviness on my heart... Unforgiveness has had a grip on me for so long.  As crazy as it sounds, I actually have a “list of unforgiveness” in the back of my prayer journal. It’s a list of every person in my life, since I was a child, that I still haven’t forgiven. I wrote the list because I want to make a genuine change in my life, so every morning I pray for every single name on my list.  As I prayed over my list this morning, for half a second, I felt that as though it was too impossible. Those wounds were too deep to

In another post of vulnerability, I’m going to start out by writing that I am so overwhelmed. A few weeks ago I had to come to grips with the fact that I have yet to heal from my PTSD, which has been rearing its ugly head. Through job losses, grief, mental illness, and physical sickness, it feels like Ethan and I have been wandering aimlessly with no way out.  The healing process on my part has been so incredibly painful. The mental anguish from coming to grips with the brutal abuse I have endured feels more than I can bear. I’ve walked in apathy and dissociation for so long that dealing with the core issues seems impossible. And here is what I have come to realize in all of this: The journey of healing is like being in a pit of broken glass.  Right now, I am sitting in that pit, and in honesty, I’ve been sitting here for years. I’ve been cut up, and I’ve been bleeding, but I don’t want to move. Unfortunately, moving is the only way I’m going to heal. I have to crawl my way through th

For the last three years, October 1st has been one of the most important days of my year. October 1st is the day that I decided to end the cycle of abuse; and with the help, strength, and protection of God, it was done. Much has healed since then, but if I’m going to be honest, these last few months have been really difficult.  In total and naked authenticity... I still feel so ashamed .  I have convinced myself that I’ve healed from what happened, but there are many open wounds that have yet to close.  I’m not over it.  I  hate  writing that... But with vulnerability comes healing.  So, I’ll be vulnerable. I’ll tell you that I am hurting, and I am ashamed. I’ll tell you that I have talked to God about absolutely anything and everything...except this. I’ve forced myself to believe that if I never utter the words, then it never happened.  And so I’ve never found healing.  I couldn’t forget. It was always in the back of my head, influencing nearly every thought I had and every action I m