Courage, Dear Heart

Faith…faith has been hard lately. I think it’s getting a bit hard for everyone right now, as we are all so isolated. I got diagnosed with celiac disease about 6 months ago. They say healing from the damage can take a while, but I started experiencing new symptoms. I am finally having some follow up procedures in a couple of days, but man, I’m scared. Sometimes, faith is really, really hard. My pain has been pretty bad in the last couple of months, and while I’ve found things that help at times, there are still nights of agony. There are nights when I am begging for my Father to show up. Begging Him to heal me – even just for the night – because it’s too much to take. I lie there crying, with my husband next to me, praying. He’s crying out to God too, because it’s harder for him to watch me than it is for me to go through it. I beg and I ask, “Please, Jesus, it’s okay if you don’t heal me for good. But just this one night…please. I can’t do this anymore.” More often than n...

If you have read my blog before, you know I feel very called to help people who have been through the same types of things I’ve endured. I try to reach out to those who have been sexually abused or assaulted, and as I’ve talked to these men and women, I’ve noticed a very common denominator: shame. I’ve yet to talk to someone who has endured abuse or assault who does not feel some kind of shame. I’ve certainly experienced much of it in my own life…and I never want others to feel that way. I never wanted to be “her.” I never wanted to have to hide the bruises and the shame. My childhood was fairly sheltered, and I never really knew what abuse was. I’d heard of it, of course, but I never thought I’d fall victim to such violence. Growing up, I was very independent. I had a voice and I used it. I wasn’t someone to buckle back from confrontation. All of that changed in an instant. I had such a “set” purpose. I refused to allow anyone to hold me down; I wanted to be independent, a...

For the last three and a half weeks, I’ve been dealing with some new health issues. I’m supposed to have some procedures done, but due to the Coronavirus, I can’t yet. There are several factors, but for right now, all we know is that I have to rest. My PTSD has come back, and my emotions have been out of control. One minute I’m crying – the next, I’m completely fine. My pain got worse, and I ended up getting kidney stones. All of this has become a lot to handle, and I can’t tell you how blessed I am to be married to Ethan through it. If you’ve read my blog, you know I’ve been in horrific and violent relationships. Before Ethan, I never knew how “that” kind of love was supposed to feel. I thought the violence and abuse was normal. My past boyfriends had always gotten extremely angry at me if I was sick, and for a while, I expected that from Ethan. I was scared every time I had to cancel a date or ask him to stay with me when he had plans. I was scared to show him the true level of m...