He Loves Me

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For the last three and a half weeks, I’ve been dealing with some new health issues. I’m supposed to have some procedures done, but due to the Coronavirus, I can’t yet. There are several factors, but for right now, all we know is that I have to rest. My PTSD has come back, and my emotions have been out of control. One minute I’m crying – the next, I’m completely fine. My pain got worse, and I ended up getting kidney stones.

All of this has become a lot to handle, and I can’t tell you how blessed I am to be married to Ethan through it. If you’ve read my blog, you know I’ve been in horrific and violent relationships. Before Ethan, I never knew how “that” kind of love was supposed to feel. I thought the violence and abuse was normal. My past boyfriends had always gotten extremely angry at me if I was sick, and for a while, I expected that from Ethan. I was scared every time I had to cancel a date or ask him to stay with me when he had plans. I was scared to show him the true level of my pain. But every single time, without fail, I was met with a type of grace and compassion I have never known. I’ve been in relationships with real life monsters, but let me tell you about my husband:

My husband loves me. He loves me so much, and so well. He loves me exactly the way God tells him to. He’s so selfless, and compassionate, and more tender hearted than I’ve ever seen in another. He is so patient with my health, and holds me through the pain. He goes to the store and shops for us when I don’t feel good. He runs me a bath when my fibromyalgia gets bad. He takes my temperature and rubs my back and feet when I can’t relax. He stays up with me when I’m crying and sick. He picks up my prescriptions and doesn’t have to think for a second when we have to spend money on my vitamins. He gets my heating pad for me and goes and gets me ginger ale. This man went completely gluten and grain-free for me. Just for me, because he will do anything and everything to keep me healthy – even if it means giving up some of his favorite foods.

He holds me during my PTSD attacks, and gently listens when I need to talk about my trauma. He’s listened to the details of my past and never judged me for a second. He never blamed me and he was never upset with me. Unlike so much of the world, he listened to me. He believed me and had faith in me. He’s never given up on me.

Most people who don’t know what it’s like to lose someone get uncomfortable when I bring up my dad. They don’t know what to say because they don’t want to hurt me, and they don’t want to say the wrong thing. But Ethan…he sits and he listens. He listens to every story, even if I’ve already told it. He holds me when I start crying because I miss my daddy so much. He comforts me and listens to that trauma and that hurt. He stays with me and he loves me.

I’ve never known human love like this. I couldn’t believe it all at first; for a majority of our relationship, I was waiting for the other shoe to drop. I could not believe that someone could be so good, so incredibly perfect for me. Someone that loves Jesus so much and lets me lead when I need to. Someone who supports my calling to leadership ministry, when so many don’t. Someone who lets me be independent and strong; he doesn’t squash my dominance and he lets me be my natural self. He’s comfortable taking the backseat at times when I want to jump in headfirst, and he’s amazing at pulling me back when I need to take a breath. I can’t believe this is my real life, now.

After over six years of physical, sexual, and emotional abuse, I didn’t think there were such good men in the world. I certainly didn’t believe that I was worth having one of them. Then God sent Ethan into my life to show me what love should look like.

Friends, if you are in an abusive relationship – no matter the kind – I want you to read this and hear the hope. I want to show you that you deserve better, and that better is out there. Brothers and sisters, you are worthy of a loving and Godly relationship. This abuse you are enduring? There is more. Take the first step to get out. Talk to a very trusted friend, or law enforcement if you are comfortable. Contact me or a loved one. You are worth so much more than what you are going through, and there is so much better out there.

Hear my story and see that there is hope. He loves me so much, and so well. That’s what you deserve, and that kind of love is out there for you. Consider talking to a trusted friend about your trauma, and as always, I am here for you!

“If I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but do not have love, I have become a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy, and know all mysteries and all knowledge; and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. And if I give all my possessions to feed the poor, and if I surrender my body to be burned, but do not have love, it profits me nothing. Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails; but if there are gifts of prophecy, they will be done away; if there are tongues, they will cease; if there is knowledge, it will be done away. But now faith, hope, love, abide these three; but the greatest of these is love.” (1 Corinthians‬ ‭13:1-8, 13‬ ‭NASB‬)‬‬

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