When Faith Gets Hard

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Faith…faith has been hard lately. I think it’s getting a bit hard for everyone right now, as we are all so isolated.

I got diagnosed with celiac disease about 6 months ago. They say healing from the damage can take a while, but I started experiencing new symptoms. I am finally having some follow up procedures in a couple of days, but man, I’m scared.

Sometimes, faith is really, really hard. My pain has been pretty bad in the last couple of months, and while I’ve found things that help at times, there are still nights of agony. There are nights when I am begging for my Father to show up. Begging Him to heal me – even just for the night – because it’s too much to take. I lie there crying, with my husband next to me, praying. He’s crying out to God too, because it’s harder for him to watch me than it is for me to go through it.

I beg and I ask, “Please, Jesus, it’s okay if you don’t heal me for good. But just this one night…please. I can’t do this anymore.”

More often than not, my pain doesn’t go away. And that is when faith gets hard. More than anything in this world, I believe in a good God. A God that doesn’t want me to suffer, wants what’s best for me, and loves me. I believe in that God. But therein lies my struggle: if I believe He is good, why won’t He heal me?

Please Jesus. Hear my cry. Just this one night.

The silence is crushing. The pain is overwhelming. This God that I love, this God to whom I dedicated my life, is silent.

Yet then...

Out of nowhere, I feel this peace creep inside of me - this complete and inexplicable peace. It starts in my fingers and toes until it reaches my heart, and my spirit is calmed. The physical pain is still there, but I am at peace. My God showed up; it wasn’t in the way I expected, but He gave me exactly what I needed.

That God. How can’t I have faith in that God? How can’t I love that God? How can I doubt His presence, existence, and goodness when He is giving me what I need? The same God that created the heavens and earth and oceans and skies…that God is actually listening to me? He hears me cry out and He loves me so much that He stays with me. He hears me yelling at Him, so frustrated that He won’t take it away, and He still stays.

That God stays when I’m mad. He stays when my faith is waning. He’s there when I’m happy, and there when I’m broken. He accepts me back every single time, in every moment of faithlessness.

How could I not love that God? How could I not follow Him?

Brothers and sisters, faith is hard. It takes us to unknown places, and sometimes it keeps us from wholeheartedly following Jesus. Christianity isn’t a promise of a perfect and painless life; in fact, we are promised otherwise. We will experience pain, loss, and heartache. God’s covenant with us isn’t a guarantee of a pain-free life…it’s a guarantee that we can endure such pain.

I must have faith. I cannot live my life believing that everything I have gone through is meaningless. I have to believe in a good God, because through Him, I have endured things far beyond anything I could have handled on my own. The only reason I am alive and well today is because of my faith in Jesus; because He is with me in my hurt. I promise you, He is with you in yours, too. Faith in that God is worth it.

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