Suit Up

“Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour” (1 Peter 5:8, NIV). If anyone knew anything about Satan’s war against us, it was Peter. And if you know Peter’s journey, then you know that more often than not he stumbled and fell in the midst of those battles…just like so many of us. That’s why I love Peter so much – he’s so incredibly relatable. The ups and downs in his journey showcase a man who truly loved Jesus with all of his heart, yet his humanness got in the way. This was a man who went from denying Jesus as He was being crucified for our sins – for Peter’s sins – to a man who stood in front of the Sanhedrin (a council which literally held the power of life and death over Peter’s head) and said, “Which is right in God’s eyes: to listen to you, or to Him? You be the judges! As for us, we cannot help but speak about what we have seen and heard ” (Acts 4:19, NIV).

Peter’s journey through his own humanness and the temptations of Satan has often given me hope in the midst of my own spiritual warfare. I know how to be alert, and I know how to be sober-minded, but so often I am frozen in my own fear when that lion comes seeking to devour me. Recently I was reading my old prayer journals, and I came across one from almost a year to date that broke my heart. I remember the time well, and I remember how much I was struggling and how much Satan was waging war against my calling into ministry. I prayed to God,

“These last two days have been so difficult. Satan is trying to get to my heart – I feel this war ensuing for my spirit. Everything around me feels as if it has descended into chaos. I left IWU to start fresh. I moved here because I knew no one and no one knew me. When I moved here I was still the scared little girl being raped and abused on a consistent basis. I never took a stand for myself; more than that, I didn’t think I was worthy of doing so. You know full well what [abuser] put me through. A man willing to sexually violate a woman the night before her daddy’s funeral with her family just yards from them doesn’t have many lines he wouldn’t cross…And even now, as I spend this time of prayer with you, I feel the Enemy battling the angels of protection you have put around me. I hear the threats he whispers to me, and the warnings he gives to stop my pursuit of ministry. But even if those threats come true, I believe that you are protecting me.”

The prayer went on with similar fears and declarations, and I can still remember how terrified I was while writing to God. I wasn’t with my husband yet – we had met, but we weren’t dating. I had men in my life who loved me and who were protecting me, but I still felt so unsafe. I remember thinking that having a human man in my life would make all of the warfare better – I wouldn’t feel so unsafe if there was someone there, holding me.

And now, almost three months into marriage, I know how wrong that thought process was. Because now, as my life and calling is once again under attack, Satan has shifted his means and his weapons. Now, he attacks my marriage. He attacks the core of my being. I am kept up at night with horrific nightmares, often woken up by my husband because I was crying or shouting in my sleep. I am plagued with anxiety and new health issues. They say your first year of marriage is the hardest, and in the last two-and-change months, it feels as though Ethan and I have struggled against that first-year’s-worth of issues. Depression, anxiety, hospitalizations, job let-downs, physical pain, insomnia on both ends…and we are still struggling against most of those issues.

We have cried together, gotten on our knees and prayed together, prayed against the Enemy and clothed ourselves in the full armor of God…and yet the battle ensues. I am constantly reminded of my past. Every day I see the face of my abusers. Every night I am awoken by the horrific images of being tortured and raped. I see the physical evidence of the abuse in the mirror and I struggle to look away. I struggle to let my husband love me because I am consistently bombarded by the terrible acts in my past. I feel the weight of those acts on my chest – I cannot breathe. And the Enemy almost wins. And yet…

There is hope.

Satan would not be warring against our callings or our marriage if we were not a threat to the Kingdom. Those fears that I have – that I’m a poor wife, that I am not cut out to be in ministry because of my gender, that I have no place in trying to help heal God’s Kingdom – they are fears instilled by the fear of the Enemy. The Enemy fears what God will do through Ethan and I – through each other and through our marriage. He sees the calling that God has placed upon us, and he knows that he can’t stop us. He knows that we will wake up every single morning and we will declare Jesus as our King. He knows that we aren’t going to give up in the face of adversity.

My brothers and sisters, writing this post actually terrifies me – because it’s a direct threat against the Enemy (and he doesn’t take threats well). But I push through that fear because the Power of God – the Armor of God – is so much stronger than that of Satan’s! Friends, the Lord’s army outnumbers that of the Enemy’s by three times! We literally have an army of angels waging war on our behalf because we have chosen to be children of God; we have chosen to carry out the mission and make disciples who make disciples who make disciples.

So…whom shall we fear? Satan? Abusers? Friends? Family?

“NO! In all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord” (Romans 8:37-38, NIV).

I would be lying if I said I wasn’t scared about what comes next. There is so much upheaval in my life – our lives – right now. We are dealing with some new health issues and I have several upcoming procedures that are scaring the daylights out of me. I’m trying to figure out what is next in my ministry after the disappointing loss of several job opportunities. We are trying to figure out where God is calling us and how to pursue Him in the most impactful way for His Kingdom. I’m scared, but I am so excited.

I am excited because I see those fears in my old prayers, and I see where God has taken me. I see and remember the battles that Satan ensued against me, and I see how God claimed His victory in my life. I was taken from brokenness and abuse to love and redemption. I was taken from loneliness and depression to complete adoration and love from my husband. I was taken from nothingness and mediocrity to a life filled with purpose for the Kingdom of God. And it is because of that purpose that I can declare without hesitation that God will win this battle. And there is no doubt in my mind that He will win your battle, too.

I know you’re scared. I know you don’t know what’s coming next. I know you’re hearing lies from the Enemy – lies about your past, your calling, your marriage, your finances. I’m here to tell you that you need to send those lies straight back to hell. Peter reminds us to be watchful – to be completely sober-minded. Yes, we have a powerful Enemy, brothers and sisters, and he truly seeks to devour us and keep us from our calling. We are deceiving ourselves if we believe that Satan isn’t scared about God’s movement and that he won’t act against it.

But we have an infinitely more powerful God. A God who is fighting that battle for us – a God who tells us to “suit up” and take up our sword of the Spirit and fight those lies. If you have chosen to become a child of God, you have a duty to carry out. And every day that you pick up your sword and clothe yourselves in the armor of God, you scare the Enemy…and you empower that army of 3:1 to move against him. There is a change coming – I truly believe that. Brothers and sisters, take up arms, and move with me as we fight for the Kingdom of God.

“For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore, put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand” (Ephesians 6:12-13, NIV).