Compulsions

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I wake up out of my restless sleep. 

I look around, see the dogs, take a deep breath. Everything feels okay in this moment. And then…it starts. Heart is racing, hands sweat, and tunnel vision begins.  

Get the dogs out of bed, move the pillows, straighten the sheet, make the bed. Straighten all of the drawers, get the chair ready, fold all the blankets in the house. Brush my teeth, 6 sections, 20 seconds a section, then mouthwash for one minute. Take the dogs out, get Marshall his medicine, get my coffee. I’m ready for Jesus Time - 

Wait. You didn’t floss. 

Heart is racing, go and floss. For a brief moment, my heart calms down. So I go and sit in my chair, and put in my headphones. 

Wait. The corner of the bed isn’t straight. 
Wait. Marshall needs combed again. 
Wait - did you lock the door? 
Wait - did you leave the oven on? You haven’t been in the kitchen, but you need to check.

I sit down and begin to journal, but I can’t finish before the intrusive thoughts begin again. And so I get up, vacuum, straighten all of the books, and wipe down all of the counters. I check the stove three more times - don’t want to accidentally leave that on. I vacuum again, and again, and again. Finally I sit down to relax-

Wait. The dogs need their teeth brushed. If you don’t brush their teeth, they’ll get buildup. Their organs will fail. They’ll die early, all because you can’t just get up and brush their teeth.  

I try to stay still, I try to ignore what I’m hearing and just relax. But that Voice in the back of my head - that nagging, awful, anxiety-sparking and fear-inspiring Voice tells me that I will lose everything if I don’t listen to it. It gets so loud that I curl up in a ball on the floor, plugging my ears, rocking back and forth, silently screaming. It grows louder and louder, telling me to find the things that I know I can control. 

I stop sleeping. I try to relax, but that Voice tunes in again. 

It tells me I need to get up and go to the bathroom one more time, that I forgot to floss, and that I need to check the dogs and make sure they’re breathing. It tells me that if I fall asleep, I’ll only have terrible nightmares. The Voice gets louder and louder and louder. Two hours of sleep a night for 13 nights in a row, and I’m on the border of hallucinating again. I’m so exhausted that I could fall over, but that Voice won’t let me sleep. 

Go check the kitchen again. If the gas is left on all night, Ethan could blow up the apartment just by turning on a light. You could lose your family, you could lose everything. 

I get back in bed. I’m crying, because I don’t want to listen to these compulsions, but I can’t relax until I do. 

Jesus, please, let me sleep! 

Wait - you have to go check to make sure the door is locked. What if it’s not? What if you have an intruder in the middle of the night that comes and kills your husband and your dogs? What if you lose your family because you couldn’t get up one more time, just to check the door? 

I’m losing control. I’m so tired, I can’t think straight. I feel as if I am hallucinating, everything I see is in tunnel vision. I desperately need sleep, but that Voice is so loud. I remember what my counselor says, to let go of all of the things I cannot control. But I can’t. 

OCD doesn’t let me. 



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