I Remember

“Save me, O God, for the waters have come up to my neck. I sink in the miry depths, where there is no foothold. I have come into the deep waters; the floods engulf me. I am worn out calling for help; my throat is parched. My eyes fail, looking for my God.” (Psalm 69:1-3). 

If anyone was good at expressing being overwhelmed, it was David. In these last few weeks, I have used many of his prayers to God as my own. 

It’s been well over 13 years since I got sick, but some days it feels like it all happened yesterday. 

Since it’s been so long, those overwhelming days don’t come so often. I’ve learned to accept this as my “normal,” and I’ve found many ways to cope with all that comes with having autoimmune diseases and being chronically ill. But some days...

Some days, I feel the weight of what I’ve endured for half of my life. Those days often come during bouts of pain, and over the last few weeks, I’ve been deep in those bouts. My daily pain is mostly bearable through physical and mental coping skills - but when winter hits and the weather shifts, I have spells when it grows beyond that bearability. 

Today was one of those days. 

13 felt far too young to have to start experiencing so much pain. 26 feels too young to have to accept that this will forever be my life. 

I’ve taken up baking as a way to help distract me and bring me joy in the midst of this. When I’m in that kitchen, I’m full of happiness and excitement in creating things for others, and it’s easy to ignore my pain. But later, when I sit down after cleaning and packaging, it all comes rushing back. And many winter nights, I end up curled in a ball, skin too sensitive for even a blanket, crying out to my Father. I ask Him to take my pain and to take this suffering. But healing hasn’t yet come. 

It used to make me so angry, but walking this journey over so many years has caused that anger to dissipate.

Because now, I can’t help but remember. 

I remember His faithfulness in my times of faithlessness. 

I remember His presence on the nights I can’t sleep. 

I remember how the Holy Spirit has brought me some kind of answer to spiritual and emotional healing every time I ask for it. 

I remember how He has equipped me with the strength to endure. 

I remember the support systems He’s put into my life. 

I remember the parents He gave me - I wouldn’t have survived without them. 

I remember the drive that He gave me to keep going, and how He got me through college, when I wasn’t sure that would ever happen. 

I remember the loving friends He has blessed me with. 

I remember the love and grace He has extended - when I certainly haven’t deserved it. 

I remember the call He has given me and the passion it’s brought me. 

I remember all of the prayers He has answered: a solid diagnosis, discernment in how to use yoga, and the natural remedies He has led me to.

And above all, I remember His all-encompassing presence in the those overwhelming moments. 

 

Because I remember, I’ve started to learn how to love God in the face of this suffering. I’ve learned how to pray how David prayed - with authenticity, and with trust. On the days that physical relief doesn’t come, I follow his example, and I pray his same prayers, 

“But as for me, afflicted and in pain - may your salvation, God, protect me. I will praise God’s name in song and glorify Him with thanksgiving.” (Psalm 69:29-30)

It is because of His grace that regardless of my pain and my suffering, I am equipped to follow His call. Because of His strength, I can move on with bravery. 

If you are struggling and feeling overwhelmed, please feel free to reach out to me. You can find my email in the “About Me” section of this blog. I am praying for all of you who are experiencing physical and emotional setbacks during this season.