Dear God

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Dear God,
I’m sorry. I know that I’ve sounded so faithless lately. I don’t want You to think I’m ungrateful for the blessings You’ve given me, but I’m hurting so bad.

I know You gave me a diagnosis. I know I finally got an answer for so much of what has plagued me for so long. But I thought that once I got that diagnosis and started my treatments, I would get better. Why am I still so sick?

Dear God,
I’m in so much pain. I lay awake at night in agony. My bones, muscles, joints and organs are screaming at me. I cry and I pray and I try everything I can, but nothing helps. The doctors are saying I’m doing everything right, and that it’s just going to take time. But I look at these last 12 ½ long years, and I’m just so tired.

Dear God,
Why won’t You heal me? I know that You hear me. I know that these last few weeks as I have screamed Your name and cried these tears that You haven’t been absent. So why am I not getting better? I know that You have the power. I know that You can heal me with just a breath, just a word, just a thought… why won’t You?

I’ve missed church so much. I want to be able to go and praise You; to be in a body of believers and learn more about Your word. Don’t You want that too? I try my hardest, and it isn’t enough. I do everything I’m supposed to, and I’m still in agony. I can barely leave the house. I’m assured that all of this is normal. My doctors tell me that they wish they could stop the pain, but I just need to heal. There’s so much damage from the undiagnosed autoimmune disease that it’ll take potentially years to recover. The arthritis is likely permanent, yet there’s a chance.

Dear God,
You know that I’m impatient. I don’t want to wait. I don’t want to spend another minute in this agony. I don’t want my husband to have to go through the pain of watching his wife suffer so greatly. I don’t want my momma to have to keep worrying. It’s in Your power to stop this. I have full faith. I know without a shadow of a doubt that You can heal me…

But if not, I will still love you Lord.

Dear God,
I don’t want to spend the rest of my life like this. I’m only 25, and I have so much life ahead of me. But I know that there’s a purpose in my pain. I know that You can heal me, but I will praise You even if You don’t. You are so sovereign, and I am so scared…but I can feel You holding me. So today, God, I choose to focus on Your love instead of my pain. I choose to remember all of the times You’ve held me when I am hurting. I choose to remember that You’ve gifted my doctors to know what they’re talking about. I choose to use my pain to help bring healing to the broken. I choose to hope.

Dear God,
Thank You for staying with me, even in my moments of doubt and anger. Thank You for listening to a hurting and a broken daughter. Thank You for giving me the faith to pray, “I will still love you.” Thank You for giving me a calling in my pain. Thank You for choosing to say, “And surely I will be with you always, until the very end of the age.” I can’t promise that I will always keep this hope, but I promise to wake up every morning and give it everything I’ve got.

In Your perfect name I pray,
Amen

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