Courage, Dear Heart

Today I wanted to write about something that affects around 16 million adult Americans every year: Depression. I’m sure many of you who are reading this have suffered from depression at some point in your lives, and I’m no exception. I’ve been very open about my mental illnesses on this blog. You’ve read that I’ve been diagnosed with anxiety, OCD, PTSD, and depression. But depression is really the one thing I haven’t talked about…mostly because I’ve been deluding myself. I’ve known that it’s been a part of my life, but I’ve done my best to ignore it. I’ve always attributed my symptoms to other things – for instance, dissociation from the PTSD. At times, I just thought it was my personality. Perhaps I’m not meant to “feel” things deeply; perhaps I just am apathetic. Maybe I don’t really care about things… maybe I wasn’t meant to be happy. This is going to be a really hard blog for me to write. My walls are so high that I haven’t even been able to let my husband see

Dear God, I’m sorry. I know that I’ve sounded so faithless lately. I don’t want You to think I’m ungrateful for the blessings You’ve given me, but I’m hurting so bad. I know You gave me a diagnosis. I know I finally got an answer for so much of what has plagued me for so long. But I thought that once I got that diagnosis and started my treatments, I would get better. Why am I still so sick? Dear God, I’m in so much pain. I lay awake at night in agony. My bones, muscles, joints and organs are screaming at me. I cry and I pray and I try everything I can, but nothing helps. The doctors are saying I’m doing everything right, and that it’s just going to take time. But I look at these last 12 ½ long years, and I’m just so tired. Dear God, Why won’t You heal me? I know that You hear me. I know that these last few weeks as I have screamed Your name and cried these tears that You haven’t been absent. So why am I not getting better? I know that You have the power. I know that Y