I’m Not Sorry

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If you know me, then you know that I’ve spent a lot of my life really sick. Unfortunately, I’ve also spent a lot of my life apologizing for being sick. Lately I’ve been looking back on all of these years I’ve spent saying sorry: sorry that I have to cancel plans, sorry that I’m not up to talking on the phone, sorry I can’t take a road trip, sorry I can’t help someone move or cook or clean, sorry I have to miss parties or get togethers…and now I can’t help but think –

Why?

Since I was thirteen, I’ve been diagnosed with and suffered from dozens of different things: autoimmune diseases, certain forms of arthritis, fibromyalgia, small fiber neuropathy, muscle and joint spasms, severe insomnia, an extra heartbeat, anemia, ulcers, intestinal and stomach damage, hair loss, unexplained rapid weight gain, celiac disease, allergies, night terrors, severe adrenal fatigue – the list is endless. I’m exhausted all of the time and in pain all of the time.

So why do I need to apologize? And why should I care if people get angry with me because I can’t always be there?

This isn’t an attack on anyone. I have been consistently astounded by the support in my life. I am surrounded by people who love me and want what’s best for me. And do you know how I got here? How I was able to surround myself with those people?

By not being “sorry” anymore.

I know my friends and family are disappointed when I can’t participate. But they are only disappointed because they care about me. They’re only disappointed because they know I’m missing out because I’m hurting. They’re not upset with me, they aren’t mad at me, they aren’t frustrated with me – no, they are hurting for me.

I got to where I am now because I cut the people out of my life who blamed me for being chronically ill. I got to where I am now because I stopped and listened to Jesus when He said, “Apply at Ruby Tuesday,” or “Move to Winona Lake.” I listened when He told me to keep going to Crossbridge and to change my degree. I listened when He told me to share with my adviser what was happening in my life. I listened when He told me that there were toxic people in my life to whom I needed to stop giving my time and energy. I listened when He told me to be honest about how I was feeling with my family and my friends who love me.

And my life changed so drastically.

I am a workaholic. I love to go-go-go, all day, every day, until my body gives out. I define myself by my work, commendations, GPA, and awards. I am a textbook people-pleaser and an extreme extrovert. I want to make people happy. I want to always be there for the people I love and the people who love me. And in doing those things, I ran myself into the ground over and over again until there was nothing left to give. Not to God, not to myself, not to my husband – I was bedridden constantly because I was always “sorry.”

Do you know who it was telling me to be sorry? Do you know where that lie came from – the lie that said my family, my husband, my friends, even God would hate me for taking care of myself?

That lie came straight from the pits of hell.

And you know what? How DARE he! How dare Satan threaten my wellbeing by whispering I’d be unloved if I stopped being “sorry?” How dare the enemy allow me to believe that my health was worthless when it came to pleasing others? How dare he make me feel that self-care should be secondary to making everyone happy?

I believed that lie for far too long. And you may be in that same exact place – mentally, physically, spiritually, or emotionally. You may be trying to nurture yourself back to health, but constantly putting others before your spiritual wellbeing because you are “sorry.”

Yes, we are commanded by God to love others. Yes, we are commanded to evangelize and help bear each other’s loads. But how can you carry out the Great Commission when you can’t take care of yourself?

Here is the God-honest truth: you are just as important to your Father as the people you are aiming to please. And any voice that tells you any differently is a lie straight from the enemy, and you need to send it right back to hell.

Stop being sorry for taking care of yourself so you can care for others. Stop being sorry for putting your spiritual wellbeing above pleasing someone. Stop being sorry for cutting out someone toxic or abusive, because you deserve more. Stop believing the lie that God wants you to drain your energy by taking care of everyone but you.

I refuse to be sorry for taking care of my body. I refuse to be sorry for taking care of my spiritual wellbeing. If I don’t do these things, then I will never be able to accomplish my God-given purpose. You are loved, you are capable, and you were worth dying for. Don’t you EVER let yourself believe you aren’t worth self-care, because your ordained purpose depends upon it.

“There remains then, a Sabbath – rest for the people of God; for anyone who enters God’s rest also rests from their works, just as God did from His” (Hebrews 4:9-10, NIV).

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