Playing Cinderella

Since going public with my blog in November of 2017, I’ve often felt like I am “playing Cinderella.” All of a sudden I had these swarms of well-meaning people doing their absolute best to squeeze their feet into my fragile glass slippers. I couldn’t understand why – I mean, didn’t they see how breakable they were? Didn’t they see how scared I was to walk around in something so clear - so see-through - that all of my vulnerabilities were out in the open? Why would anyone ever want to fit into these slippers? Didn’t they see the pain it caused me?

About six months after coming out with my blog, I met with a friend. She is sweet, well-meaning, and compassionate, but she couldn't understand the hell that I had walked through. Our lunch was going really well, until all of a sudden she said,

“But if I was getting raped, I would fight back.”

My stomach completely dropped and my throat swelled up. I had to blink the tears away so that she couldn’t see just how deeply she had wounded me. With all of the gentleness I could muster, I said, “You never know how you will react until you are in that situation. And with several rapists, fighting back just makes it worse.” With the same resolve, she replied,

“I would fight back. I know I would.”

I tried to stay close with her after that, but the hurt from those words kept a wall between the two of us. I tried explaining to her the pain that statement had caused, but she didn’t understand. I knew she wasn’t trying to wound me, but that one sentence cut so deep. I knew she just didn’t get it – I knew she’d never be able to understand unless it happened to her. But that ignorance is a well-written narrative I have seen spread across the conservative Christian circle. All I wanted to say to her was,

“Why would you think to say that to me? I did my best. With one of my boyfriends, fighting back spurred him on and made the violence worse. I learned to sit back and take it, letting the tears fall silently, because I refused to give him the satisfaction of seeing the pain he was causing me. And after several years, I grew so exhausted."

A little while later when all of the stuff about Judge Kavanaugh came out, a good-hearted man told me, “I don’t think women should be allowed to make rape accusations without evidence.” As soon as he said it, I could see his regret. I knew the pain was written across my face, and I knew he wasn’t trying to hurt me with his opinion…but there it was again - that same conservative Christian ignorance.

I couldn’t reply to his statement because I was so thrown off, but I wanted so desperately to say,

“Why should a woman have to claim such heavy responsibility for such a terrible act? What about the men who wear condoms? What about the men who know how to cover their tracks? What about the little girl who didn’t understand what had happened, and the first thing she wants to do is shower? How can you possibly make such a statement when you have no idea about the kind of pain these violent acts cause?"

The brother of a close friend of mine was talking about women who get raped after they’ve been drinking. He said, “All I’m saying is that if a woman doesn’t want to get raped, then she shouldn’t be getting drunk.” I got up and left, but all I wanted to say to him was,

“How could you possibly be so uncompassionate to blame a person for being raped? How does the responsibility fall on anyone but his/her rapist?"

I confided in a “friend” about the amount of times I have been raped – a number of which I’m incredibly ashamed. He told me, “After telling me all of this, I have several reasons to judge you. But I won’t, because it isn’t my place.”

My heart sunk deep into my chest. I wanted to reply,

“Judge me? For being raped? How could you possibly judge me for something that was never my fault? How could you possibly judge me for the actions of an evil human being? What kind of person even has the thought to judge a person for experiences they had no control over?"

When another friend learned of the same number, she said, “God can cleanse you of your sins.” I wanted to scream at her,

“My sins? My sins? Where was my sin in all of this? Where was the sin in my heart when I was being sexually tortured to the point of having seizures? Where was my sin when I was being assaulted the night before my daddy’s funeral, and every night after that? Where was my sin in all of that?"

After all of these interactions, and the countless others just like them, I started thinking: how is the Body of Christ so ignorant to this kind of pain? How do these people think that what they are saying could have a positive or healing impact?

But the answer is simple. They aren’t thinking.

Every single person who has made these comments to me over the last couple of years just didn’t think. The conservative Christian circle is covered by a cloud of ignorance and inexperience. All of the people who have judged me or blamed me simply couldn't see past their [unfortunately] common worldview.

Let me be clear: the people in the world who are saying these things are often well-meaning people with loving hearts, but they're living neck-deep in ignorance.

Part of why I write this blog is so that I can help inform the public – especially the Body of Christ. I am sick of the hurt that the Church causes in this area of the world. I am sick of the blind eye people turn, the misplaced blame, and the unending judgment. Where did Jesus’s Gospel go? How can we even expect to reach the lonely and the lost when this ignorance completely blinds us to their pain? And what can I do to change this?

For a long time, my biggest fear was being raped. I would run through scenarios, trying to figure out how to escape such a situation. When that biggest fear came true, my eyes were opened. As it continued to happen for the next six years, those blinders came all the way off. I wasn’t oblivious to the pain in this area of the world. I could see the girls and the boys who were hurting so desperately, and I could empathize with that hurt. This horrible time period in my life taught me compassion, grace, and mercy, and I firmly believe that part of my call is to destroy the blinders that perpetuate lies.

If you are someone who has made these comments to others, do your best to be informed. Before I went through the abuse, I had some of these very same thoughts. You are not a bad person, nor are you a bad Christ-follower. But you do have a duty to be informed.

If you are someone who has been through abuse and heard these comments, don’t let yourself become hardened, and never take them to heart. Instead, reply with grace and compassion, and help educate the people who simply may not understand.

And above all, as the Body of Christ, remember Paul’s words in his first letter to Corinth:

“If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have faith that can move mountains but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor, and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.” -1 Corinthians 13:1-8