Who the Son Sets Free

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Who the Son sets free
Oh is free indeed
I’m a child of God, yes I am

Today (October 1st) marks the anniversary of the day I got out of my final abusive relationship. I know people often say this at anniversaries, but I truly never thought I would get here. If you told me a year ago I would be in this place – safe, happy, and healing – I wouldn’t have believed you. A year ago, I was a scared girl with a wilted spirit. I was broken, felt utterly forsaken, and didn’t see any redemption in my future. Now, I’m strong. I’m a warrior. I have amazing friends who love me. I have roommates who cherish me and whom I cherish. I have brothers-in-Christ who care about me and protect me at every turn. I’m in a beautiful home, in my senior year of college about to finish my ministry degree, and I’m in a type of therapy that’s truly helping me heal. I’ll finish my degree with honors and a purpose to change the sex industry in the world.

~ I’m a child of God, yes I am. ~

A year ago, I was terrified. I was living alone, in a very unsafe apartment. I didn’t have many friends, and I was living in a place completely unknown to me. I was totally focused on finishing my degree and nothing else. I didn’t want to add anything social to my life, because that’s what had crushed me at my prior university. I didn’t want to make any attachments because I was terrified of losing someone - just like I lost Dallas, and my dad. I didn’t even want to think about dating, because it had already broken me. More so, I didn’t believe there was any man who was capable of loving a wreck like me.

A year ago, all I focused on were the scars in the mirror. I couldn’t in any way see that I had been reconciled to Christ. I didn’t see the redemption that took place as soon as Christ died for me. I thought I was the exception that proved the rule – God sent His son to die for everyone, except for me. My body was too defiled, too soiled, to ever be made whole.

~ I am chosen, not forsaken - I am who you say I am. ~

“For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons and daughters, by whom we cry, “Abba! Father!” (Romans 8:15).

A year ago, I didn’t believe I was worthy of love. I didn’t see any beauty in the mirror. In honesty, I didn’t think I was really "out." For months afterwards, I was still contacted. I had to consider getting another restraining order. But my Jesus protected me. I stayed strong. I slowly began to recognize the strength I had – the power I had, simply in the Name of Jesus.

~ You are for me, not against me - I am who you say I am. ~

There are only two people who know the true extent of the abuse. There are very few others who know how many people were involved, or how many times I was raped. I don’t see the need to tell anyone again except for the man I marry. I used to think those numbers completely erased any possibility of marriage in my future; I never thought there could be a man of God who would love me enough to look past all of that. I didn’t believe any man could deal with the extent of the PTSD…but I have been shown over and over again that there are so many men of God in this world who are capable of loving women like me. I have no desire for any romantic relationship at this point in my life (God and I have a deal that I will first finish my degree – He loves to make bargains, right?), and instead have formed incredible friendships with brothers who show me over and over again that I am worthy of being protected.

My roommates and I went through a rough couple of months with some unsafe situations in our home. I can’t even begin to tell you how many guys told us they would be here if we were ever nervous. I went from this broken girl, who felt completely raw and vulnerable to further abuse, to this strong warrior who had a dozen numbers she could call if she ever felt unsafe. There are mornings I go to God in my quiet time in tears, so thankful for the hedge of protection He has put around me.

A year ago, I kept a knife by my door and another by my bed. I made sure I recorded the names of every abuser, in case anything ever happened to me. I walked around consistently looking over my shoulder, terrified that my past would catch up to me. I was powerless and caged. Today, I walk with a purpose, courage, and strength I never believed I would possess.

My progress doesn’t mean I don’t have troubles with the trauma (for example, in the middle of class today, I had a PTSD attack). But it does mean that I am more equipped to handle the trauma. Though I can’t always avoid my triggers, I know exactly what I need if a flashback arises. I know what I need, and I’m not afraid to ask for it. This time last year, I still hadn’t found my voice. Now, I know how loved and redeemed I am.

Last year, I decided to go to homecoming last minute with one friend. This year, I’ve been looking forward to homecoming for weeks. I’m sitting at a table with several great friends, and already know I will have an incredible time. Last year, I could count the number of friends I had on one hand. This year, my friendships have blossomed into an innumerable amount of new family members. Last year, simply leaving my apartment caused great anxiety. This year, I look forward to my classes, to work, and to socializing as much as I can. It hasn’t been an easy year, but “I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 3:14).

To all of the amazing people who have helped in this journey, thank you. I will never be able to thank you enough for everything you have done for me. To everyone who is walking with me now, thank you. You are all so precious to me. Your protection, your encouragement, and the light that you carry has been the best part of my year – especially these last few months. To all of you who are reading this and find yourself in the same situation, keep pressing on. I promise, though it may not feel like it, there is an end in sight. There is a beautiful, strong, unshakable girl living inside of you. There is a courageous, victorious, unmovable man waiting to break free. You are worth more than you could possibly imagine.

“So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed” (John 8:36).

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