Commander of Angels

You are not hidden,
There’s never been a moment you were forgotten
You are not hopeless,
But you have been broken, your innocence stolen

To say this semester has been tough is a huge understatement. I’m not sure I have ever been so overwhelmed; with two jobs on top of 18 credit hours, I have been exhausted and completely drained. As my pain and insomnia worsens, everything takes so much more effort.

My last few weeks in particular have been insane. I could count on one hand how many hours I’ve slept in the last 15 or so days. I have been under intense spiritual attack, but I have refused to relent in my pursuit of ministry. I can feel Satan ensuing a battle over me, and my body is so worn from it. Then a couple of days ago, as I renewed my strength again and stood strong in the Lord, I learned that a prior abuser lives in my town.

This was the abuser who caused me to drop out of my old college. I decided to transfer because of him – because the restraining order was never enough, and I knew I was never safe. This was the man who turned on me the moment my daddy died. The man who controlled every single move I made, and broke doors if another man dared speak a word to me. This was the man who sexually assaulted me the night before my daddy’s funeral, with my family sleeping yards away from us. This was the man who repeated those same acts, over and over again, until I finally ended it. He convinced everyone I was a liar, and as I walked the halls of my college, I could see what I had become: a hated "wh*re," worth nothing more than disdain and rumors. He drove me away from the place I once loved - from the people who I thought loved me. Words cannot describe the agony he put me through...and getting to move here was my fresh start.

And I just don’t understand. I know with all my heart that God led me here for some reason; He led me to this incredible town to amazing friends who love me. He led me to change my degree to ministry. I know that He led me here. So why was I led to the one town my abuser would be in? The one place in the whole world where I would be faced with that same trauma? How could I have been led here, when I specifically moved to get away from him? From those lines that he crossed, the words he spoke, and the despicable acts of abuse he did against me?

~ you are not defenseless; I’ll be your shelter, I’ll be your armor ~

As soon as I learned this, I got tunnel vision. I could feel the blood rushing to my head, and my body went numb. All I could hear was, “You have to move again. You have to get out of here. You’re not safe. What happens if he learns where you are? Move somewhere he’ll never find you – where none of them will find you. Change your name…by any means necessary, protect yourself. You can’t trust anyone else to protect you.” Eli, Eli, lema sabachthani? My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?

And it was with that last sentence that I knew it was Satan trying to get to me. As I settled down, I cried out to the God who has never forsaken me. I asked Him what to do, and He said, “Rely on those around you.” And again, those lies were whispered…

“You know you can’t trust anyone but yourself.”

“You know that every time you let someone in, they wreck you. Remember what happened at your last college? You can’t be protected except by your own means.”

“Who even cares about you enough to protect you? You’re alone.”

Lies, lies, lies. I have never heard so many lies whispered by the Enemy. For when I asked God why He led me here, He told me, “I led you to people who could and who would protect you.” My fears didn’t completely dissipate, but I recognized the truth of those words immediately.

When my daddy died, I thought I was left without protection. I didn’t think there would be anyone else who could step up and look out for me. My boyfriend at the time was just another man who was stealing my innocence over and over again, night after night. Everything had been ripped from me, chunk by bloody chunk, and there was nothing left. No innocence, no light – I was naked and bare with no armor or weapon.

~ fear is just a lie running out of breath ~

About three months ago, I told a male friend that I had to take measures to protect myself, because I had no one else in my life who would. My walls were up so high. And now, just three months later, my life has completely shifted. I cannot believe how protected I am. I have men – brothers – here who would do anything for me. Within moments of discovering this, I was backed up. Whether it was a friend lending me a defensive weapon until mine came in the mail, or a friend saying [they] "had my back as soon as I felt anything was wrong,” I was reminded of my protection. I had people offering to help me learn martial arts – anything that would help me feel safer.

And today, as I voiced my innermost fears to some of the dearest people I have come to love, I was met with a type of compassion that surpasses anything I could possibly understand. I cannot believe how truly loved, cared for, and protected I am.

That broken, shattered mess – that little girl Satan was trying to harm – is empowered because of the people God has placed in her life. As the spiritual warfare continues, I have rested in this: “A thousand may fall at your side, ten thousand at your right hand, but it will not come near you. Because you have made the Lord your dwelling place – the Most High, who is my refuge – no evil shall be allowed to befall you, no plague come near your tent. For He will command His angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways. You will tread on the lion and the adder; the young lion and the serpent you will trample underfoot” (Psalm 91:7, 9-12, 13).

I cannot believe the protection I have in the Lord Jesus Christ – the protection I have from those around me. No matter how scared I am, I am in the family. And I hope you know that if you have accepted and believed in the name of Jesus Christ, you are a part of that family, too. You are not without protection. You are not without hope. You have been given a kingdom that cannot be shaken. Your soul is safe and secure in the arms of our God, and He will never abandon you.

“He will deliver you from the snare of the fowler and from the deadly pestilence. He will cover you with His pinions and under His wings you will find refuge; His faithfulness is a shield and buckler. You will not fear the terror of the night, nor the arrow that flies by the day, nor the pestilence that stalks in darkness, nor the destruction that wastes at noonday.” (Psalm 91:1-6)