Break Every Chain

“Now the Lord is in the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom” (2 Corinthians 3:17).

After 4 ½ years of schooling, I have finally entered my senior year. With so many serious diseases and health issues, I wasn’t sure if I would ever make it this far. Refusing to be a driven person has never been an option for me. I knew that if I wanted to make it (not just through college, but through life), then I would have to be a driven, diligent person. I couldn’t be lazy, and I couldn’t give up. I wouldn’t be able to wallow in self-pity (nor does the Lord want that from me), and I wouldn’t be able to stay on the ground when I got knocked down.

Now, that isn’t to say that I don’t get knocked down. As a matter of fact, yesterday I had to leave class early because I’ve been doing poorly health-wise, particularly with my pain and insomnia. But I arose this morning, setting out for a new day, and reset.

This year, I am taking 18 credit hours both semesters. I will be working two jobs (though thankfully one of them will only be events) with the Autism Society of Indiana and as a server at Ruby Tuesday, and will soon have a 40-hour per week internship. I also have to commute to Fort Wayne every week in order to do EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) therapy. I have to do all of this while in severe pain every minute, and going on between 15 minutes – 2 hours of sleep every night.

Oh, I know this will be nearly impossible. I know that this would be difficult for someone without health problems. I know that I risk the seizures starting again, or having a major pain relapse. I know that if my sleep continues to decline then I will start hallucinating again.

I know that I don’t have anything to prove to anyone, but I can’t help feeling that I do.

I have major control issues. My last counselor wanted me to take the Enneagram personality test, and I came out as an 8 (the “challenger”). This personality type is driven by a deep desire to have control over his or her life, and is always pushing the limits to see how far he or she can go. While there are some aspects to this personality that don’t quite fit me, for the most part it describes me perfectly. I walk around trying to see what “new thing” I can accomplish that day. Can I get a 4.0? Graduate suma cume laude? Can I work two jobs while taking six classes on top of that 40-hour internship? Can I heal completely from the abuse before ending my senior year? Can I become a single mom to foster children? Can I start my own para-church organization for victims of sexual violence and sex-trafficking? How far can I go before my body permanently breaks?

8’s are known for going until they can’t go any longer; completely ignoring physical health problems in order to overcome their next “challenge.” When I read this statement on the enneagram site, I paused, recognizing the truth immediately. I have a very dominant and driven personality, and it only continues to grow. I can’t help but wonder if I would be like this if hadn’t gone through so much terrible abuse.

One of my greatest strengths is my self-awareness. It is very rare for someone to tell me something about myself that I don’t already know. Unfortunately, one of my greatest weaknesses is working on the issues I am aware of. I know how deep my control issues run, and I know exactly where they stem from, yet I hold so tightly onto the little control I have while knowing how negatively it affects me.

When I was being abused, I had absolutely no control over my life. I was told what to wear, how to act, who I could be friends with, who I could talk to – and if those lines were crossed, or I happened to go against the “rules” - I paid for it severely. It became useless to fight against it, because standing up for myself wasn’t worth the pain. I was still being raped and physically abused, but I did whatever I could to lessen the frequency and duration of the violence.

After I finally broke out, I refused to become “that girl” again. I would control every aspect of my life, whatever the cost. I have no desire whatsoever to control the people around me, but if I could control myself, then I could be at peace.

Do you hear the lie? Because it is - a lie. I’m not really at peace. The more I try to control things, the worse I do emotionally. When I think I finally have a grasp on my life, it immediately slips from me. But the Enemy whispers his lies so cunningly. He tells me that I have something to prove to everyone around me – that they think I’m lazy, unambitious, and worthless. They don’t think I actually “try” in life, or that I’m smart, or even worth their time. He whispers those lies and I believe them too easily, because they're lies I have listened to for years. It’s part of the reason I work so hard at things that ultimately have no meaning.

Every man I have dated, alongside the terrible physical and sexual abuse, made me feel horrible about my health issues. They would tell me I was a burden, or even accuse me of faking pain so that they would do what I wanted. I had one boyfriend, at one point, tell me “I love how you conveniently feel “sick” or have a “seizure” when it comes to doing the things I want to do.” So I would push through the pain, because “that girl” would do anything to please her abusers.

I hate “that girl.” I hate that she couldn’t see what they were doing to her. I hate that she justified the amount of times they raped and hit her. I hate that she refused to keep the control she lost so quickly. And I will do everything in my power to never become “that girl” again...even if it kills me.

I’m fairly certain that’s biblical. Doesn’t God tell us it’s okay to control every part of our lives and never give that control up to Him? I think I read that somewhere (take note of the sarcasm).

I used to feel and hear God desperately begging me to hand over my life every time I tried grasping harder to control things. I got so good at blocking that voice out, that now it almost feels as if He has given me the green light on controlling who I am and what I do. To be clear, because of free will I do have that option. We are fully able to make any choice for ourselves (no matter how sinful), but it isn’t what He wants for us. When we hand things over to our Father, He works so beautifully through us.

~there is power in the Name of Jesus / to break every chain, break every chain, break every chain~

God has created me to be a driven, dominant, and diligent person. He is consistently shaping me into the woman who will teach both men and women about the Word of God, regardless of how many people tell me it’s wrong. He has led me to my calling to radicalize what I call the “sex industry,” and bring healing to victims of sexual violence, like me. He created me as strong and passionate; He has made me confident and created me to be a leader. By the grace of Jesus Christ, I have been freed, and it is because of this alone that I can change the world for His Kingdom.

But I have lived too long using these traits for selfish reasons. I have used my dominant personality to take complete control over my life. I have used the strength of my drive to pursue the 4.0 and jobs when I know it isn’t good for my physical health. I use these gifts for my own benefit, and I deeply betray my Father with every choice I make to do these things.

I can only hide under the excuse of “abuse” for so long. When I become self-aware, a change must take place. This is a change that should have taken place years ago, when I noticed this tendency in me. It has now completely spiraled, and I no longer have any control over it (ironically). My only option is to do what I fear most, and give up that control. My life was never mine in the first place, and as soon as I chose to believe in His Name and become a daughter of the Living God, I assumed a responsibility to hand Him everything I am.

“And I am sure of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus” (Philippians 1:6). I cannot accomplish any of my dreams alone. God goes before me and behind me, but I must be stepping in His will. Take my hand in my walk into submission to Christ. If you have the same deep-seated issues of control, feel free to email me (to the email listed in the “about me” section to your left) and ask for prayers. I treasure you all and pray for you often.

“From the rising of the sun and from the west, there is none besides Me; I am the Lord, and there is no other. I form light and create darkness, I make well-being and create calamity. I am the Lord, who does all these things” (Isaiah 45:6-7).